


Because maybe I am not more than what they expect

by MahaliaPride



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst and Humor, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Guilt, Humor, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Ice Cream, Ice Cream Parlors, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Panic, Panic Attacks, Protective Connor, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, Smoking, Songfic, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, Texting, larry is a bad parent
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-19
Updated: 2017-12-22
Packaged: 2018-12-17 04:00:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 13,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11843547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MahaliaPride/pseuds/MahaliaPride
Summary: Maybe it's because the amount of pills he took, but he didn't hear the grass moving underneath feet."What thefuck."Evan turned slightly, and standing there in all of his black clad glory, is ConnorfuckingMurphy, with quite a concerned look on his face.But that doesn't mean anything now, Evan thinks as his world goes dark.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warning for Suicide

" _I've learned to slam on the brake. Before I even turn the key. Before I make the mistake. Before I lead with the worst of me._ "

Evan felt empty. He remembered when he was a child, full of life. Now it was just sucked out of him, making him a shell of the Evan he could be, that could accomplish things.

" _Give them no reason to stare. No slipping up if you slip away. So I got nothing to share. No, I got nothing to say_."

Last time he tried to do this, he failed ultimately, and even his friend, Jared, thought he got it from jacking off. _No, wait, his family friend. There's a difference._

" _Step out, step out of the sun. If you keep getting burned. Step out, step out of the sun. Because you've learned, because you've learned._ "

But Jared isn't going to have to put up with him anymore, no one is. He knows that a lot of people will actually like him gone. I mean there's Connor first of all because I mean, _come on_. He stole my " _sex letter_ " and screamed at me in the hallway and pushed me. He called me a _freak. I'm a fucking freak._ There was a rumour he went to a hospital after the first day of high school, but no one knew why.

" _On the outside, always looking in. Will I ever be more than I've ever been? Cause I'm tap, tap, tapping on the glass. I'm waving through a window. I try to speak, but nobody can hear. So I wait for an answer to appear. While I'm watch, watch, watching people pass. I'm waving through a window, oh. Can anybody see, is anybody waving back at me?_ "

Then there was Zoe. She and Evan looked at each other for two seconds only like what twice? _But once Connor told her what a freak I am, she has every right to spit on my grave._

" _We start with stars in our eyes. We start believing that we belong. But every sun doesn't rise. And no one tells you where you went wrong._ "

Alana is there too. She just really wanted Evan around so she could brag about her accomplishments, she never _really_ wanted him around.

" _Step out, step out of the sun. If you keep getting burned. Step out, step out of the sun. Because you've learned, because you've learned._ "

Jared _fucking_ Kleinman isn't going to miss his family friend. _And without me dragging me down, he can thrive and he'll have so many friends that are way better than me_.

" _On the outside, always looking in. Will I ever be more than I've ever been? Cause I'm tap, tap, tapping on the glass. I'm waving through a window. I try to speak, but nobody can hear. So I wait for an answer to appear. While I'm watch, watch, watching people pass. I'm waving through a window, oh. Can anybody see, is anybody waving back at me?_ "

Then there were his parents. His dad never talked to him, Evan was really just a dead weight and constant reminder of a failed marriage. And his _mum. God his mum_. Maybe she'd care. But without Evan using up her time and money, she'd finally be free. There'd be no stressing over what to put on the table for him or trying to make her classes work so she might see Evan.

" _When you're falling in a forest and there's nobody around. Do you ever really crash, or even make a sound? When you're falling in a forest and there's nobody around. Do you ever really crash, or even make a sound? When you're falling in a forest and there's nobody around. Do you ever really crash, or even make a sound? When you're falling in a forest and there's nobody around. Do you ever really crash, or even make a sound? Did I even make a sound? Did I even make a sound? It's like I never made a sound. Will I ever make a sound?_ "

_Everyone was really better off..._

_...You know the funny thing about suicide is that after one failed attempt, you know how to make it work better the next time_. So Evan was sat under the very tree where he tried to commit suicide three months earlier, singing a song that he had composed. It was called Waving Through A Window. Evan had a bag lying next to him in the grass. In the cheap backpack, was a good two bottles of insomnia pills.

" _On the outside, always looking in. Will I ever be more than I've ever been? Cause I'm tap, tap, tapping on the glass. I'm waving through a window. I try to speak, but nobody can hear. So I wait for an answer to appear. While I'm watch, watch, watching people pass. I'm waving through a window, oh. Can anybody see, is anybody waving back at me? Is anybody waving? Waving, waving._ "

Finally, after finishing his song, he pulled out both bottles of meds, popping open the child-proof caps. Then, he raised the lip of the bottle to his lips and swallowed insurmountable pills in gulps. After shoving two lots of pills in his mouth, Evan thought he'd have to wait the usual half an hour, but spots began to dance in front of his eyes. Maybe it's because of the amount of pills he took, but he didn't hear the grass moving underneath feet.

"What the _fuck_."

Evan turned slightly, and standing there in all of his black-clad glory, is Connor _fucking_ Murphy, with quite a concerned look on his face.

 _But that doesn't mean anything now_ , Evan thinks as his world goes dark.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor encounters Evan during his suicide attempt

 " _Fuck you, Zoe!_ " Connor screamed as he slammed the front door shut. 

 

_Zoe was being a bitch and he wasn't even high. But he needs to be now_. She was yapping on about needless crap that Connor just pushed out of his mind and stopped listening to. 

 

Then his dad,  _fucking Larry_ , was threatening to send him to a boot camp so he could  _straighten up his ways, and stop smoking all that weed_. 

 

His mum really didn't do anything.  _I mean, she never does._  She stands there sipping her tea whilst watching Larry go off at Connor because  _Zoe_  would've mentioned that he had ditched school, or the red around his eyes seemed more prominent. 

 

Huffing, Connor turned around, gripping the edge of the bag he had slung over his shoulder. Connor began to feel a familiar but unwelcomed feeling creeping onto his skin and slow anxiety seeping into him. 

 

Connor can see a bench across the road, it was some community bench crap. Sitting on it, and placing his head in his hands, Connor lets the panic attack in. His breathing is ragged and wet, and he's breathing in a disjointed pattern. Some breaths are long, whilst others and sharp and short inhales of air. The skin on his wrists felt scratchy and out of place, and his throat felt just as mutilated and twisted as when he had woken up in hospital after his suicide attempt. 

 

Connor pushes Larry, and Zoe, and mum all out of his mind, focusing on breathing and nothing else. Then the anxiety retreats, and Connor knows he should've gotten stoned earlier today  _because fuck what Zoe and Larry said_. Standing up he begins walking aimlessly again. 

 

In his bag, he had a ziplock bag with a few days worth of weed. Connor was already halfway down his street when he realised that his feet were taking him to the abandoned orchard, a good walk away. 

 

Along the way, Connor distracted himself with trifle things. He got a quick vanilla ice cream at A La Mode, and finished it just as he could see the entrance to orchard, he thought of things like the way the clouds swayed when the wind blew, the way the houses that were becoming sparser as he neared the orchard, and the crushing feeling in his chest and heavy pit in in his stomach that would remain until he was stoned out of his mind. 

 

Climbing over the fence with a sign saying, " _DO NOT ENTER_ ", Connor makes his way to the centre of the orchard. 

 

In the centre of the orchard is the biggest tree out of all the others in the park. It's roughly 40 feet, and Connor would like to climb it one day. 

 

...At first, Connor thought it was the rustle of the wind through the leaves of all the trees around him, but the closer he gets to the large tree in the centre of the orchard, the rustling leaves sound more annunciated. 

 

They sounded like words, but then he realised that someone is  _singing. And wow, they are really good._

 

" _When you're falling in a forest and there's nobody around. Do you ever really crash, or even make a sound? When you're falling in a forest and there's nobody around. Do you ever really crash, or even make a sound? When you're falling in a forest and there's nobody around. Do you ever really crash, or even make a sound? When you're falling in a forest and there's nobody around. Do you ever really crash, or even make a sound? Did I even make a sound? Did I even make a sound? It's like I never made a sound. Will I ever make a sound?_ "

 

Connor weaves his way through the orchard, and he's close enough now to see a figure resting against the large tree, right where Connor would like to be getting stoned off his ass right now. Squinting and slightly pissed, but more so intrigued, Connor vaguely recognises this figure, trying to latch onto a characteristic from behind the tree he is embarrassingly hiding behind. 

 

_Aha! That hair!_  Connor thinks long and hard, and he can remember the face of this guy as the guy he pushed on the first day of senior year, but Connor is trying to put a name to the boy. 

 

_Evan Hansen! That's it!_  Connor smiles slightly to himself, proud that he remembered the guys' name. In the back of Connors mind, he wonders why Evan would be here.  _And why does he look so lonely? Doesn't he have "Joke" Kleinman as a friend? Whatever, I'll just enjoy the singing while he's still at it, compliment him, then tell him to piss off._

 

" _On the outside, always looking in. Will I ever be more than I've ever been? Cause I'm tap, tap, tapping on the glass. I'm waving through a window. I try to speak, but nobody can hear. So I wait for an answer to appear. While I'm watch, watch, watching people pass. I'm waving through a window, oh. Can anybody see, is anybody waving back at me? Is anybody waving? Waving, waving._ "

 

It seems like the song Evan was singing is over, but Connor has never heard it on the radio before. He takes a few steps forward from the tree he was half hiding behind, but before he can go and ask Evan what song that was, Evan shoves far too many sleeping pills down his throat for him to just be wanting to have a good nights rest. 

 

_Oh god no_. 

 

"What the  _fuck_." slips past Connors' lips before he can stop it, and Evan turns to him, looking resigned, and  _far too much_  like Connor would've in the mirror on the night of  _his own_  suicide attempt. 

 

Evan looks slightly shocked, most likely mirroring Connors own face, but Evan shock becomes irrelevant and slips off his face as he collapses to the ground, and the only thought that goes through Connors mind as he rushes over to Evans lifeless form is: 

 

_Evan! Oh shit!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The long requested chapter is here! Please dont call me out for giving some background info and not cutting to the chase! Anyway, I hope you like it!


	3. Chapter 3

 Connor rushes over to Evan, his mind is blank white but at the same time is bursting and brimming with questions.

 

_What did I just see?_

_Why would Evan do this?_

_Could I've prevented this?_

_Is Evan suicidal?_

 

Questions like this buzzed and bounced around his head while Connor checked Evans pulse. It was steady, but it was going slow. And it was going to get slower in a short amount of time if Connor wouldn't do anything.

 

Connor racks his brain, _don't make him throw up._

 

_He needs an ambulance._

_They tell him to give a location and ask what drugs have been taken._

_Check the fucking drug he took Connor!_

_Trazodone and amitriptyline._

 

The lady tells him that the paramedics are on their way, but Connor is feeling everything and nothing all at the same time.

 

_Okay okay, these are pretty hard drugs but its fine everything is fine!_

 

_Fuck where are the paramedics!_

 

Connor put Evan in the recovery position, keeps the phone pressed his ear, and one hand on Evans' neck to keep check of his pulse when he hears them.

 

The sirens are close and Connor is quaking with shock. Time seems to slip and Connor loses a sense of himself.

 

Then he can feel a hand on his shoulder, he's been told that he was brave and he's offered to ride to the hospital with Evan, whom that lady thinks is his boyfriend, but Connor is too exhausted to correct her.

 

Lights blur as they go weaving through the streets and it hurts Connors' eyes. So instead Connor focuses on Evan laying in a "stable" condition.

 

Evan looks anything but stable. His face is drained of colour, hair is unkempt and greasy, his clothes are crumpled, and the bags on his eyes are dark. Evan looks like a fucking ghost.

 

_And I'm partial to blame._

 

Connor sits back in his chair, stares at the ceiling of the ambulance, and lets the anxiety rush over him.

 

Connor lets the anxiety make him think of every possible outcome, every variable, everything that could go wrong. He lets the anxiety tell him all the changes he could've made and reminds him of his failed efforts.

 

_Now we can pretend we both have friends._

 

Well, Connor doubts that this is Evans first suicide attempt and he thinks of many ways to ask Evan: _how'd you break your arm, Evan? How'd you break your arm?_ But before Connor can sink into his anxiety fully, they've arrived at the hospital, and the ambulance comes to a stop. They open the doors and act efficiently as Evan is being catered away on a gurney. 

 

Connor stands there, abandoned in the car park.

 

What is he meant to do? Follow? Call someone..?

 

Connor isn’t sure exactly what he should start with, so he decides he’ll text Zoe telling her that he isn’t going to be home, and certainly not getting high.

**_TO ZOE 4:07 PM:_ **

_I’m not coming home tonight, and tell Larry that I’m not getting high OR sucking dick in some carpark BECAUSE IM WITH A FRIEND. Don’t bother texting back or calling_.

 

Sighing, he pockets his expensive phone, puts it on silent, and swaggers into the hospital. There are a few people there. A married couple with their child. An elderly man twisting his cane. A middle-aged woman talking on the phone. Two boys, one with a striking red hoodie, holding each other’s hand as it were their lifeline. A teenager in black, who definitely looks like he does drugs.

 

That’s him by the way.

 

Grumbling, he shuffles up to the front desk. The lady, a wearied woman with a badge reading “Heidi” looks up. She offers a smile that Connor does not return, “What can I do for you today?” Connor opens up his mouth to speak, but the words fall short. Clearing his throat, he pushes out, “I’m here to see Evan? Or just ask to see when I can see him?”

Heidi looks at him, and Connor can feel rolls of stress being emitted from her body. Her eyes seem cloudy whereas earlier they were bright and welcoming. Her brows are creased, and she seems more defensive. Connor knows when someone is about to get defensive. _Thanks, Larry!_

“Uh...Evan..? What’s his last name sorry?”

_Oh my god you idiot! They need first and last name, Evan isn’t exactly Bruno Mars’ level of fame!_

“Oh, it’s uh- Hansen. Evan Hansen…”

Heidi looks as if her worst nightmare wasn’t a dream anymore. As if it was a reality. Connor could see her become diminished as she could at the computer screen in front of her, she looked at him with a sadness as she said, “Yes you’ll be able to see him in half an hour or so. They just are stabilising him currently. We’ll call out your name when he’s ready. Can I have a name, sir?” Nodding, Connor told her “Connor Murphy” and went to take a seat across from the elderly man who seemed aggravated with his cane.

Huffing, Connor pulled out his phone. On the front screen was a text. Multiple texts. And a call.

**_LARRY 4:16 PM_ **

_I’ve given up on you, you never cease to disappoint._

**_LARRY 4:15 PM MISSED CALL_ **

**_LARRY TEXT 4:13 PM_**

_Connor! Call me right now or else you’re grounded!_

**_LARRY TEXT 4:13 PM_**

_Where are you? Are you getting high again?_

**_ZOE TEXT 4:12 PM_**

_Dad looks like he’s about to explode…sorry_

**_CYNTHIA TEXT 4:11 PM_**

_Have fun with your friend darling! Love you!! Stay safe._

Sighing, Connor let more anxiety hit him. Time blurred, and Connor wanted to crawl in on himself, and just disappear. The sound was muffled out, and his sight had gone hazy. His fingers gripped the edge of his wrists and dug into them. He could’ve hurt himself if he didn’t hear the muffled, “Connor Murphy!” pull him out of his trance state.

Looking up, he saw Heidi with a small smile, “Evan will see you now.”

Inhaling sharply, Connor follows Heidi through the maze-like hospital. Connor would get lost if he were walking through these corridors alone. Heidi stops before a numbered door, 103. She seems stiff and won’t walk near the windows, even though the blinds are closed. “Evans in there.” She says sadly as she walks back the way they came.

Pushing his anxiety back, Connor turns the doorknob and enters the room that has a depressed looking boy in it.

Evan looks at Connor anxiously, “I guess we have a lot to talk about..” He fidgets with the sheets.

“Damn straight we do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so I have no idea what type of drugs are in pills so yep and I also have no idea where this fic is heading :P halp pls gimme ideas


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A shout out to @Toni for giving me the inspiration to write again! It is much appreciated! And thank you to my friend who had read through the chapter!

Evan looks at his sheets, devastated and eyes with a sense of  _too much Connor._

 

 

Connor took a sharp intake of air, "Hansen...what-" Connors' voice was weak like he had become resigned because he was exposed to suicide that  didn't even affect him, " _what the fuck?_ "

 

Evans grip tightens on the hospital bed sheets, "Please-" he choked, "don't use that tone. _Don't pretend like you care about some loser that you pushed in the hallway forever ago_."

An uncomfortable silence wrapped itself over them as Connor realised,  _this Hansen kid is right. _ Connor  _couldn't _ pretend like he cared immensely for Evan now because he didn't. _ But why do I feel like I have to? _

 

The anxiety that rolled off Evan, was almost becoming physical. It made its way into Connors air pipe, and choked him, making him feel exactly what Evan was embodying.

Connors throat was scratchy and hurt, but he forced out one word that held emotion.

 

" _ Don't _ ."

 

His mouth felt exactly like the first time he smoked weed. Cotton Mouth. It made it hard to talk and felt like gunk had been stuffed to fill every edge of him. He felt-

Connors thoughts were cut off as he saw Evan break down. It hadn't just hit him out of the park like a panic attack, it had built up while Connor was thinking and uncaring of his surroundings.

Tears had just threatened to spill from his eyes, then as Evan thought how stupid and selfish he was being, he broke.

Evan tried to silence his crying and subconsciously brought his left hand to his right. Digging his nails into his skin.

_ Clawing at his skin more like. _

Connor started. "Evan, Evan!" Connor rushed forward and reached forward for Evans' wrists.

Evan was breathing hard, his face alit with tears and bright red as if he were trying to make himself die of oxygen loss.

Evan shuddered, and his gasps were frantic as if he was scared to die, but craved it. Every second that Evan couldn't control himself, he seemed to lose a fiber of his being. Of his sanity.

Connor tried to get Evans hands unlatched from each other, and Evan was borderline hysterical.

Evan was saying something in a high pitched and exhausted voice,  _ no no please I deserve it let me hate myself let me do this just please if I don't I'll try to do it again and I can't make myself feel the pain of waking up again please just let me bleed, please._

"Evan! _Evan, listen to me_!" Connor could feel Evans attention wasn't fully on him but he had latched onto the one thing that wasn't completely isolating him in his own mind. His own hell.

Connor had managed to get Evans arms pressed into the bedsheets, where Evan could connect to a physical tether to solid ground. "Evan listen to me, I can't help if you don't do what I tell you okay?"

A small whimper from Evan gave Connor an indication that Evan was willing and trying to get out of the panic as fast as he could too.

"Evan you need to relax, I'm having a hard time keeping your arms to the bed meaning you're tense. Breathe with me alright? In for five, hold for three, and out for six."

Connor breathes using the allocated times he set and saw Evan trying his hardest to breathe in sync. Albeit a disjointed and unstable one, but the effort was there.

"Evan, you're doing well, you're almost out of the woods, just a little further okay?"

Evan nodded, his face splotchy from all the crying, but Connor wouldn't allow Evan to wipe his face just yet as he'd have to release his arms.

Then when he was breathing almost normally, he took a large intake of breath, filling his diaphragm, then exhaling in a long and drawn out breathe.

Then, almost in a magical and comical way, Evan literally deflated. He lost all energy and sunk so far in his bed that he was further lost in the sheets than Connor was when he was in the closet when he first realised he was very well and truly gay.

Evan seemed to be drifting between consciousness and the sleep stage.

But Connor would not allow his questions to be unanswered.

He reached for a glass and jug that rested on a small table holding water for visitors or Evan himself.

"Evan." Connor received a sleepy grumble from a laying down Evan, "I have a glass of water in my hand and I will splash it over you if you don't decide to drink it in five seconds."

Evans' eyes fluttered open, and if that action could seem pissed off, then Evan was truly being a badass. He sat up, eyes screwed shut, hand fumbling around in the air sloppily.

Cautiously, Connor placed the glass in Evans' hand and saw Evans bare arm in the process.

Evans arm, if Connor hadn't intervened, would be pure vulture food. There were bloody and angry red scratches beginning from his wrist down to his elbow. Faintly, Connor could see pale fingernail marks over his vein on his very ashy white skin.

Connor gazed at the lines, they seemed so unintentional. Evan had done these not because he was convinced that he needed to be hurting, but because he was trapped within himself.

"Do you think they are disgusting?" Evan asked in a low and pained voice, shocking Connor.

Connor was unsure of how to reply to a question that would apply to himself more than Evan. " _Am I disgusting?_ " He said with a dead and void voice but somewhere it held a shred of empathy that Connor wanted to ignore.

Evan looked at him quizzically, "Why would I think you're- _Oh_." Evans' eyes widened at met Connors.

Suddenly it wasn't about the creepy letter that Connor read or the outburst that had thrust Evan into the pavement or the fact that  _Connor Murphy helped Evan Hansen_ through a panic attack.

_It was just about two people who deserved better. _

Connor tore away from Evans worried and strong view. " _Oh, my... My God?_ " Evan seemed to ask instead of stating. "You? Are you...getting help or something?"

Evan seemed to reach for Connor, "Hansen you're not my best friend and these are pretty serious questions you're asking..." Evan looked like he had been struck physically, he was about to say something, probably an apology, but Connor silenced him with the rise of his hand. "But no, I don't get the help I need and it took my near death at the beginning of the year for anyone to notice it."

As if it was trying to get a record, the uncomfortable silence fell between them. "I'm..." Evan failed for words, _"I'm really sorry."_

Before Connor could interject and say that it isn't his fault, Evan was talking again, "I'm sorry I couldn't see how you hurt two months ago. But most of all, I'm sorry I didn't actually become your friend."

"Hansen..." Connor trailed off, unsure of what to say. Clearing his throat, Connor stood with a found determination. "See you at school Hansen." As he shoved his hands into his pocket and was nearly out the door, he turned to Evan, who looked as if he were experiencing a warm and fuzzy feeling.

"You sing pretty good."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So because of the support I've been given, the next chapter will be released very soon as well.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THERE I MADE IT WOO.

"Hansen..." Connor whispers, trailing off. Connor, with a breath and the clearing of his throat, changes his personality. Evan watches Connor stand up with a steely and motivated sparkle in his eyes. "See you at school Hansen." he says as he stands up to leave the hospital room. Evan feels a large flower of warmth bloom and spreading its petals to the bottom of Evans' heart. The flowers radiate comfort and security, and for the first time in a long time, Evan has hope. Then just before Connor has fully exited the room, he looks over his shoulder.

 

"You sing pretty good."

Then that’s that. Connor is out the door, leaving Evan with those fours words to hug him in his own sleep. He feels his face heat up and suddenly his thoughts are in a mess.

Not in a panicked mess, no, his thoughts are euphoric. In a small and joyous voice, Evan begins singing.

 

_For Connor._

 

_"All we see is sky for forever. We let the world pass by for forever. Buddy, you and I for forever this way, this way. All we see is light 'cause the sun burns bright. We could be alright for forever this way. Two friends, true friends. On a perfect day..."_

 

Evan lays back in his bed, embracing the thoughts that are floating in his mind. He picks a select few and lets them stand out.

 

_Connor can be my friend._

_I won't be alone._

_He helped me._

 

Before Evan knows it, a comforting and slow darkness eases into his bones. It weaves its way into his muscles, releasing the tension he had pent up in his body. With a sigh, Evan is sinking into the bedsheets.

When he opens his eyes next, he is in the same small room, but it's darker outside than it was when he had fallen asleep. Evan looks around the room he was given. There's a pitcher of water on the table that is next to his bed, with one glass half full, and the other two completely dry and untouched. His phone rests near the dry glasses, and Evan smiles as Connor was kind enough not to touch it. He has about 50 blankets resting on the top of his actual hospital bed, which is ridiculous.

 

There are two chairs on the opposite side of the small room that is made of the material he saw on chairs in elderly homes. There’s also a chair next to his bed directly, and a window that gives Evan a clear view of the weather outside. Already Evan can tell that the glass is bulletproof.

That's all that is in the boring, little, bland room for boring, little, bland Evan Hansen. The kid who had tried to commit suicide twice, and woke up because he failed, twice.

 

Evan sighed, hating his mindset and the way it bent things from being things he enjoyed to things he would find no solace in. Dr. Sherman always says to him that what he experiences can be cured. He can be better.

But Evan doesn't really believe him.

 

He knows soon the nurses will come around and ask him questions. _Questions he can't avoid._

 

_"How has life been treating you?"_

_"Do you have any particular worries?"_

_"How has your mood been?"_

 

Evan feels like he has foreseen the future when a nurse walks in with a clipboard. "I'm glad to see you're awake Evan. May I call you that?" The nurse asks.

Evan nods, stubborn and not wanting to answer with his words.

"Now Evan these questions are rated from 1 to 10, 1 being not at all or extremely bad. 10 is all the time or extremely good. Does that make sense?"

 

A nod.

 

"Okay so Evan, how have you been doing these past few days?"

"A four."

 

The nurse writes that down, "Did you make any attempts to take your life yesterday?"

A nod.

 

The nurse writes that down.

"Are you in possession of any firearms, potent medicine or other means of suicide."

 

Evan was so wanting to shake his head, but he'd be lying, so instead, he hesitates.

The nurse can see this and asks, "Evan are you alright?"

"I'm fine and no...I don't have any weapons that could kill me."

 

The nurse writes this down, obviously knowing that Evan is lying through his teeth, but doesn't say anything.

The nurse asks him other things that would surely be on his records.

 

He asks Evan: Do you suffer from mental illnesses? Do you take medication? Do you see a therapist? And much more that all blur together as either a number, shake his head, or nod of his head.

"Alright," the nurse says placing the pen he used to write with, in the clipboard, "We've gone through everything I needed to ask you, thank you for answering them all." With a gracious nod of his head, the nurse leaves.

 

Evan turns on the T.V. at the end of his bed and watches a random channel for 20 minutes about people who had a goal and seeing them a year later, hoping that they accomplished their goal.

Then three nurses enter his door, "Evan? It's time for your meals." Silently, the lady places the tray on Evan's lap, then hands him plastic cutlery. Then the other two nurses add something in his IV. Then they leave.

Evan eats his pumpkin soup, apricot chicken, peas and mashed potato in a glum silence. His teeth grinding against the food with an unsettled mind. Evan can't place his finger on why.

 

As he goes to reach for a glass of water, he sees it _. His phone._

Quick as lightning, he grabs his phone off the table and unlocks it. There waiting for him in the messages app is nearly 40 messages.

 

_All from Jared._

 

**_Jared 4:39 PM_**

_yo wtf ur like gone. u hang w some other guy hhhmmmm??_

 

**_Jared 4:52 PM_**

_M8_

 

**_Jared 4:58 PM_**

_Come on man serious tho like_

 

**_Jared 5:02 PM_**

_Did I do something_

 

**_Jared 5:16 PM_**

_Fine ill see u at school and u better answer me_

 

**_Jared 6:27 PM_**

_Are u sucking a dick bc norm takes me this long too ;)_

 

**_Jared 7:36 ** _PM_**_**

_Please don't do anything stupid Evan_

 

Evan felt waves of anxiety flood over him, and he quickly responds to the exact 40 texts that Jared sent _._

 

**_Evan 8:17 PM_**

_I'm really sorry Jared for not answering, but I also may not be at school tomorrow, but I'll see you soon. Night._

 

Sighing, he placed his phone back on the table along with the tray. In the back of his mind, he is aware of some sound. A significant sound.

 

The click of worn flats.

 

Opening his eyes, Evan prays to anyone listening that he is wrong, but instead he is greeted with the face of a worn down woman. "Mum..." he says clearing his throat.

 _"Evan..."_ Her eyes never seemed so dull.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Mentions of past suicide

At 4:07, when the disheveled boy swaggers into the hospital, Heidi thinks he seems to fit in along with everyone else in the waiting room. He walks up to the desk where she types patient details.  
Grumbling, he walks up to Heidi. Heidi looks up, bringing together all of her possible enthusiasm she asks, "What can I do for you today?"

“I’m here to see Evan? Or just ask to see when I can see him?”  
Heidi looks at him, rolls of stress being leaking from every pore of her body. She felt something in her cloud over whereas earlier it was bright and welcoming. She creases her brows and prays to whoever is listening that she didn't hear the name, Evan.

“Uh...Evan..? What’s his last name sorry?”  
Heidi has repeated the words: Don't be Hansen. Don't be Hansen. Don't be Hansen, please.  
“Oh…it’s uh- Hansen. Evan Hansen…”

Heidi feels as if her worst nightmare wasn’t a dream anymore. As if it was a reality. A part of her feels darker than the time when Evans father had walked out on Evan and herself. Typing the name of her son, sadness shoved its way into her heart.

**EVAN HANSEN**

There is a list of information about her son staring back at her in black and white.

**MEDICATION:** _Trazodone and amitriptyline_  
**HISTORY:** _Broken Arm, Suicide Attempt_

A piece of fabric is shoved down her throat then, and she holds back tears as best she can.  
"Yes, you’ll be able to see him in half an hour or so. They just are stabilising him currently. We’ll call out your name when he’s ready. Can I have a name, sir?” Nodding, the boy told her “Connor Murphy” and went to take a seat across from the elderly man who seemed aggravated with his cane.

  
Heidi stares at the clock every twenty seconds. Time ticks away and Heidi just wishes her shift would be over already.  
She calls out Connors name a few times, and he takes a while to notice and rise to attention. When he's ready, she leads him to Evans room, clearly avoiding the windows.

She returns to her desk _and waits._

  
_And waits._

  
_And waits._

Finally, Connor walks into the waiting room and leaves the hospital.

_He seems okay._

Heidi greets many people. Some injured, others that are here to visit.

_They all share a worrisome face._

The expressions and “How can I help you?” all mix together into a dizzy mess, overwhelming.

  
Heidi looks at the clock, and it reads 7:42, but Heidi knows to wait.

_Just a bit more. Just a bit._

Heidi justs want time to whiz by but knows that Evan will be eating.

  
_I'll ask to have a break at 8:15._

Heidi approaches her superior, Laurens.

  
“Hey John, would it be okay if I could just have a break at 8:15?” John turns to Heidi, with a wide a freckled smile, “Yes of course! You're working exceptionally well tonight! Keep it up.”

Then he turns and walks into the hospital corridors. Heidi sits back in her chair for a few minutes.

  
Then, as if she just had blinked, a reassuring hand is on her shoulder, “Heidi dear, you can go now.” And sees John standing there. _He knows where I'm going._

“Thanks, John, means a lot.”

  
“No problem, Heidi. Stay safe.”

 

With a wave, Heidi makes her way through the maze-like hospital, with only the click of her worn shoes to accompany her in the long hallways.

 

Then there she is, standing _in front of room 103._

Evan, sitting among the white, looks right at her with a sense of fear and pity. “Mum…” her baby says after clearing his throat.

  
“ _Evan_ …” Heidi whispers, trying her hardest not to cry.

  
Slowly, she walks toward him, then sits in the chair next to the bed Evan sits in.

_Silence_.

That’s all it is for a long time, and Heidi racks her brain for something to say.

“I didn’t know-"

 

“No one knew.”

 

“That’s not what I meant. I didn’t know that-” Heidi choked on her words, “That you were _hurting_ like this. That you feel like this…I didn’t know… _How did I not know_?” Heidi felt her eyes brim with tears.

 

“ _Because I never told you._ ”

 

“You shouldn’t have had to.” Heidi reached for her son's hand that twisted the bedsheets.

 

“But I _lied_ …” Evan cleared his throat slightly, “Last summer? I felt so alone…” he trailed off.

 

“ _You can tell me_ -”

 

“You'll _hate_ me.” Evan cried.

  
“ _No, I won't Evan_ -”

 

“Yes, yes you will. You should. If you knew what I tried to do.” Evan said nodding to himself, slightly hysterical. “If you knew who I am, how _broken_ I am.” Evan laughed to himself monotonously.

 

“ _I know you. And I love you_.” Evan linked hands with his mother.

“ _I'm so sorry-_ ”

Heidi reached forward to her suffering boy, “I can promise you this, _someday, all of this,_ it’ll feel like a very long time ago.” Evan looked at his puffy eyed mother.

  
“I don’t know…” Evan stated anxiously, shaking his head and looking at the sheets.

  
“Your dad,” Heidi said grasping at straws, not wanting the silence to fill the air again, “Do you remember the day he drove over to get his things? It was uh- a few weeks after he moved out...” Heidi wiped at the endless tears, “‘ _Temporarily_ ’ they said…”

 

“ _It was a February day when your dad came by, before going away; A U-Haul truck in the driveway. The day it was suddenly real._ ” Heidi looked at her boy, as she nervously sang some notes from her unused and rusty voice box. He seemed to nod subconsciously.

 

“ _I told you not to come outside, But you saw that truck And you smiled so wide; A real live truck in your driveway. We let you sit behind the wheel…_ ” Evan looked at his mother, smiling even though he was sad.

 

“ _Goodbye, goodbye. Now it's just me and my little guy. And the house felt so big, and I felt so small, The house felt so big, and I felt so small. That night, I tucked you into bed. I will never forget how you sat up and said, ‘Is there another truck coming to our driveway? A truck that will take mommy away?’ And the house felt so big, and I felt so small, The house felt so big, and I…_ ” Heidi reached for Evan, easing him into a hug.

 

“ _And I knew there would be moments that I'd miss. And I knew there would be space I couldn't fill. And I knew I'd come up short a billion different ways! And I did. And I do. And I will…_ ” Heidi wasn’t focusing on singing now, more on conveying emotion to Evan. She needed him to understand that _she was here for him._

 

_“But like that February day…I will take your hand, squeeze it tightly and say ‘There's not another truck in the driveway. Your mom isn't going anywhere. Your mom is staying right here. Your mom isn't going anywhere. Your mom is staying right here. No matter what. I'll be here.’ When it all feels so big, 'Til it all feels so small. When it all feels so big, 'Til it all feels so small…'Til it all feels so small._ ”

  
Then Heidi pulled out of the warm hug and gazed at Evans face that wore matching tear tracks to her own. “We’ll see… _I promise._ ” With that, she gently kissed Evans hand and returned back to her shift.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for gruesome scenes. Read at your own risk.

Glue, that's what Evans' eyes were closed with. When he opened them, slowly, Evan was staring into an empty milky whiteness that was all around him.

"What..."

Evan was no longer in the hospital, he was stuck between two places. Stuck, maybe for forever. Tears slipped out of Evans' eyes, _I'm scared_.

"Someone? Hello? Please don't keep me here. Please!" Evan cried out to the blank and vast space. Curling into himself, Evan rocked himself gently, crying and delirious.

Evan didn't realise the space around him was morphing and twisting into something darker than just Evan being left to his own devices. The white colour started darkening.

 _It was being tainted_.

It was gradually transforming into a black and unstable, ever-changing colour.

Evan heard the sounds of deep gurgling as if something were trying to permeate the lone space. Looking up, he saw hands and heads pushing into the walls of what he thought to be an endless space.

Then the black walls cracked and split open like something cutting the thick air, and the figures were pushing their way into the room were identified.

The first figure recognisable was his mum. Her facial features were all there, except her face was twisted into a deep scowl and her eyes were missing, blood oozing from the empty sockets. She seemed tired but vengeful even with all of the energy she was lacking. Her voice filled the space.

" _Why, why, why, why,_ " Just repeated over and over in a broken and aching tone, as if she was dealt a physical blow.

The next figure pushed into the space Evan was now claustrophobic of was Jared. Jared glasses were cracked, his mouth just a pit of pure darkness in the shape of a large frown, but unlike his mother, black and thick goop was pouring from his mouth like an endless stream of tears.

Jared voice, serious and husky, also mixed with his mothers. Morbid and mourning. As if Jared had lost a part of him. _A part that Evan had taken away_.

" _Why, why, why, why, why,_ "

Zoe's figure slithered amongst the other two that just stood mere meters away from Evan. Watching Evan. Twisting and contorting and if their bones were breaking with every moment that Evan was living.

Zoe dragged herself closer to Evan than his mother and Jared had gotten. She stared straight through Evan with bottomless pits, and a Glasgow smile carved deep into her skin. The cuts to each ear pierced deep into the flesh, and the skin on Zoe's mouth seemed red and infected. Right where Evan fantasised kissing her. Zoe seemed to look at Evan in an accusing and interrogatory way.

" _Why_?"

Then Zoe slithered back to sit among Heidi and Jared, with a look that radiated disappointment.

Evan began praying to any God listening, to end the unneeded pain he was suffering, muttering with a strained and sore throat, hands edging closer to his wrists.

When Evan heard another deep gurgling, and another figure began spilling into the not-so-small space, Evan whimpered. "Please... _not again_..."

Evan, instead of greeted by one person who was marred by gruesome features and warped in every form, Evan was greeted with a doubly ghoulish figure.

 _His father_.

A tall, brooding and intimidating figure stood too close for Evans comfort. When his fathers' deformed figure walked closer, Evan flinched.

" _You disappoint me_."

Evan clasped his hands over his ears, still crouched and curled in on himself. "N-no!" Evan struggled to get out of his mouth as if the words had become solid and clogged up, "You....you aren't real!"

His father stood right above Evan, "Are you sure about that? I still haunt you don't I?"

He pauses awaiting Evans response, but when Evan doesn't respond, his father chuckles, almost as if he were expecting that, or no response was just as confirming as one.

"Look at my face Evan. Look at what you did to me, look at how similar you are to me-"

"No! I'm nothing like you, I'll never be like you!"

"Are you sure about that Evan? After all, you've hurt your mother more than I ever did...Isn't she sick of you? Jump off from something higher won't you?"

With that final statement, Evans father grabs Evans face by his cheeks, forcing Evan to look at his fathers face squarely.

Decomposed, rotting and flesh flaking off the bone. Eyes gouged out in a messier and angrier way, teeth ripped from their gums and bleeding. His father smiles at him pitifully, "You're just as ugly on the inside as I am on the outside...Call me every now and then will you?"

" _Stop it_."

 _That's not Evans' voice_.

Then, compared to the deep gurgling Evan had been hearing, a smooth rippling echoes throughout the space.

Then like magic, Connor steps out from the darkness.

 _Unmutated, whole and congenial_.

He offers a warm and small smile to Evan, "Let's get these guys out of your head."

With a single glance, the figures impersonating Evans worst fears explode, leaving no trace that they were ever there.

Connor lowers himself into a squat position, "You'll be okay, he needs you y'know. Believe it or not. Connor I mean." He states in a calming tone, offering a hand to Evan.

Standing up, Evan twiddles his thumbs, waiting for this fake Connor to say something. The fake Connor turns around to walk away, but Evan hastily grabs his arm, "Stay! Please..?"

Connor turns to face him, a sad smile on his face, " _You can get rid of me_ , _you can get rid of all of this_. I'm only in your head." Connor pauses, choosing his next words carefully. "You need to wake up."

Then like that he's disappeared in a puff, and the walls of the exhausted space beginning dimming and crumbling away.

Slowly, Evan stirred. It was the morning after he had the emotional conversation with his mum. When his mum noticed how broken he was.

Evan lay in his bed, just listening to the sounds of the hospital. Evan heard the sound of nurses shoes, he heard trolley wheels rattling against the ground and the beeps of machines.

"Evan?" A woman called out to him, a worried look on her face.

Evan, coughing a few times from nervousness, tries not to choke on his words, "Yes?"

The lady in front of him collects her composure quickly, "You'll be able to leave the hospital soon, do you require anything currently?"

Blushing seeping into Evans' cheeks, he glances around nervously, "Uh... No thanks..."

With a small nod, the nurse leaves.

Time ticks away, blurring together just like the noises, and his eyes don't register anything until the distinct sound of his mothers voice coos in a welcoming tone, " _Evan dear_ , _time to go home_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, just two things I need to say before the chapter ends. One) I do believe that Evans father figure was a neglectful role model, and Two) I found myself in a rough patch these past two weeks so I apologise for the slow updates, and I can say that it may happen for a while, but I'll try my hardest to deliver! Thanks for reading :3


	8. Chapter 8

Evan fell into his bed with a heavy thump. His door was shut, surprisingly his mum let him close it, and all was quite in his neighbourhood.

It was just...normal. It was quiet, as if the world had nothing to say to him. Nothing to say maliciously, or with intent to hurt Evan. It was as if he was finally given some peace.

Thoughts circulated through his head.

Jared.

Mum.

Connor.

.....Connor.

Jared.

Mum.

What will Jared say? I mean, I'm hanging out with Connor freaking Murphy for one, and there is no way I'll be able to say that I, "just slept in". I need to tell him.

With a sigh, Evan searches begrudgingly for his phone.

Finding it, and unlocking it, Evan opened the page to display the messaging app.

A few texts from Jared. Not 40 this time.

_**Jared 2:59 AM** _

_Is u awake._

_**Jared 3:02 AM** _

_such a good student. Getting all dat sleep._

_**Jared 4:21 AM** _

_4:20 BLAZE IT_

_**Jared 4:21 AM** _

_wait no_

_**Jared 4:22 AM** _

_saddened_

_**Jared 7:36 AM** _

_Mmmmm love that three hrs of sleep. Lolol so you ain't gonna be at school?_

_**Jared 9:18 AM** _

_Roflolol guess not. You betsa give me an explanation or....or I'll take away tree privileges_

_**Jared 9:31 AM** _

_this class is v boring. Pick me up_

_**Jared 9:40 AM** _

_ill give u the privs again_

_**Jared 10:03 AM** _

_Baby come back~ you can blame it all on me~ I was wrong and I just can't live without ya~ baby come back~ any kinda fool could see~ there was something...and everything...abt ya~_

_**Jared 10:24 AM** _

_answr me u dipshit_

Then there was a series of the middle finger emojis. 4 messages of middle fingers, to be exact.

Evan replied at 11:52 AM

_Oh sorry Jared..didn't read my phone and stuff? Uh I can't really pick you up but uh I wish you good luck. Good luck._

Evan sent a thumbs up emoji just for good measure.

_**Jared 11:53 AM** _

_I accept this explanation but u still owe me. U r picking me up_

Evan sighed slightly, knowing that the encounter with Jared would be a dreaded one.

Resting his phone on his bed side table, Evan lays down on his bed and lets the thoughts from his nightmare from this morning embrace him.

There was his mum.

There was Zoe.

There was Jared.

Then there was his dad.

And then... _Connor_?

Evan could see the forms of the impersonations of these people flash infront of his eyes every time they closed.

Bending and breaking and bleeding.

Twisting and turning and thwarted.

Mutated.

Crying.

 _Hurting_.

Then they were grabbing him, except this time he was awake. Wide awake so he could feel their arms pulling away at his skin and tearing it. Burning his flesh and calling out his name in a mournful and warbled voice.

"Evan...Evan... _Evan_!"

With a start, Evans eyes shot open, eyes flittering around his room for the mutations, but they could only see the face, real face, of his worried mother, whose hand was drawn back as if she had been burnt.

"Evan...Are you alright?" She said to him cautiously. Evan, removing his hands from his head, as he must've cradled them during this thing, nodded. Sitting up, guilt filled him as Heidi moved toward him, wanting to help him, but she was alert.

"I guess-" Heidi tried, "It's a good time for me to state that- that I'm here for you. I have an always will be, you're my little guy. I want to help you get through this and...and I want to know what it'll take." She said reaching for his hand and clasping it tightly.

Evan breathed in sharply, "I'm too much work, I can't be fixed..."

Heidi grasped Evans hands tight, "Evan I am here, I want to help us. We are in this together." She smiled slightly.

Evans hand began clamming up, and Heidi could probably tell, but she gave him a reassuring look, so Evan mumbled out, "There's a guy-" Heidi squeaked a bit before he could finish.

"Is it that Connor boy who visited you?" She said, a wide grin slipping onto her face.

"Uh...yes?" Evan replied hesitantly.

Then, like an agile cat, his mum pulled Evan into a hug, "I'm happy for you little guy! We have to have him over for dinner- and- and I have to find out more about him and only then," she looked at Evan, "only then are you allowed on dates with him."

For a few seconds it was quiet, then a blush spread on Evans cheeks like rapid fire, he pulled back from his mother, embarrassed, "Mum! It's...it's so not like that! I haven't even told you that I do like guys so how had you reached that conclusion?"

Heidi looked at her son, a little shocked and cheeks tinted, "Oh."

Then Evan felt the words he said fill the air, his face even more red then what he thought possible. He grabbed a pillow and hid his head in it, groaning in shame.

His mother laughed a little, making Evan look up at her from the pillow. "That was certainly an interesting way to tell me! I'm not surprised although, I've seen the way he cared about you, and I do remember the times I've caught you staring at someone when we go grocery shopping together." Heidi paused slightly, "You're sure you two aren't dating yet?"

Evan laughed, "Mum! Please you're embarrassing me!"

Heidi reached for Evans hand again, rubbing it slightly, "I'm glad you've told me this. I'm proud of you, and I hope you find the right person, male or female, for you."

She stood up, and walked to Evans door, "You don't have to go to school this week, but do you want to be there next week?"

Evan nodded, but just before Heidi could leave the room, he said "Also Jared asked me to pick him up from school, so uh, I'll talk about things with him...I may be home late or stay at his depending how it goes. Is that okay with you?"

His mum smiled, "It's fine Evan. I'm so proud of you...you're so brave. I'm staying home today so if you need anything, just ask. I'll be downstairs watching movies and whatnot. " She blew a kiss over her shoulder and closed Evans door.

Evan sat on his bed, a little flushed still, but content.

_You still need to talk to Jared._


	9. Chapter 9

When 3 PM rolls around, and the blasted school bells rings, Jared is the first to pack his shit and get the hell out of the shit hole that he's trapped in for another semester.

The teacher cries out the usual "The bell doesn't dismiss you, I do" crap, not that Jared really cares. He shoves his books into his bag, slings it over his shoulder, and walks right out of the classroom.

The hallways are filled with kids, running, pushing and screaming. Trying to get out of school, or that one kid who'd go set another fire.

Huffing, Jared whispers under his breath, "Evan I swear to god, you better be here..."

Thinking back, Evans been acting quite strange as of late. It wasn't just the past two days where he practically ignored me, he's been acting trippy for almost a month.

_It started with him asking Jared if he wanted Evans computer, sometimes he texted Jared at really weird times meaning he couldn't have gotten more than an hour of sleep, he seemed to have less energy and want to hang out with Jared less, he didn't talk about trees as much, he frequently either forgot or had too much of his anxiety medication and he has only sent 2 texts to Jareds 67._

Things just weren't feeling right, and honestly, the fact that Evan had actually agreed to pick Jared up today surprised him.

Jared shrugged off the feeling of dread in his stomach, wanting to believe that _nothing was wrong and Evans fine, stop worrying you wimp._

Jared hadn't been given full car insurance, and as much as he wanted to drive his car everywhere, he didn't want to scratch it, and he needed something to keep Evan in their friendship.

Pushing open the school doors and feeling the breeze hit him, Jared smiled slightly, pretty sure it made him look like a psychopath who was planning to murder someone.

Jareds eyes scanned the people around him, happiness filling him slightly when they fell upon a boy in a blue polo shirt who was trying to persuade the ground to eat him.

Jared found himself smiling before he kicked his brain and told himself that he was acting creepy if he appeared in a happy go lucky tone when approaching Evan.

He let the "calm and cool" mask slip onto his face and fill his body language. He swaggered up to Evan, who didn't recognise Jared straight away.

"Ey wassup Evallev~" Evans name sounding weird the moment it came out of his lips. He inwardly cringed when Evans face reddened, _great you embarrassed him good going you piece of-_

"Oh- Hi Jared! I didn't see you there," Evan laughed awkwardly, already tense around Jared, "Um well I didn't really drive here...I wasn't sure if I'd crash or uh... yknow mess something up so I got the bus? Anyway so I just thought maybe we would...we could spend the day together?" Evan spilled out, obviously wanting to tell Jared something but unable to currently.

Jared blinked, quizzically, if it were possible. "You don't have to! Just an idea yknow..." Evan trailed off laughing without humour to himself.

Jared rushed in, trying to keep the apathetic appearance and hide the large amounts of worry and anxiety he began to feel for Evan, "Uh dude, don't worry it's all good. Yknow I was busy today," Lie, "and this'll take up a lot of my better spent time," Lie, "but hey anything for special little boy like you." He fingergunned Evan, trying to cover his lies with a nicer statement.

Evan seemed to slump a little, but a certain resilience in him made him take a breathe and seem taller. Confident. Like he could leave Jared for anyone else in this school.

"Do you want to...go for icecream? A La Mode? Or maybe to see a movie? Or anything else?" Evan suggests, clearly making it even more obvious that he has something on his mind and needs time away from wherever to say it.

"Yeah of course lets go man."

The bus rocks up pretty quickly and takes the horny girls and testosterone filled boys and many others in between, all to the shopping prefecture in the middle of the small town they live in.

Everyone files out and Jared can practically hear the telepathic "sorry" that Evan sends to the bus driver.

They step out, an ice cream shop close to the bus stop.

Jared turns to Evan, who looks like he wants to combust, and Jared tries his hardest not to let his facial expression change, "Buddy you need to chill. Just a bus ride. Cmon lets go get our friggin ice cream."

The shop is a beautifully themed 1980's parlour. It has retro booth, staff uniforms and even coloured like a 1980's parlour.

Jared orders for Evan as he needs to give Evan a break from the stress he must be feeling.

When the woman states the price of the two icecreams, Jared goes to pay before Evan can beat him to it, "On me."

Evan nods to himself numbly, and sits in a booth with his chocolate chip icecream. Jared and he both finish their icecream in silence, and when done, Jared clears his throat.

"How you been my man? And what was up with ignoring me? I thought I was too irresistible for that honestly."

Evan flushes and coughs a little, "A little unpredictable funnily enough...Boring stuff really... I think we'd have more fun watching a movie?"

Jared tries to calm his worrying heart, _he will tell you, he's fine._

So they do, they watch a movie that Jared is sure Evan is not interested. Jared goes on to say how good it is, just to distract Evan, even though he's probably annoying Evan more.

Jared turns to him, "Wanna play video games at my house?" Giving Evan a break of the ramble of the movie.

"Oh, I was just going to ask that," he laughs uncomfortably, "Apocalypse of the Damned?"

Jared snorts, "You know it baby."

Jared and Evan walk to Jared house, it's late and dark, but they are greeted by Jareds family. Jared tells them that they'll go and play video games, Evan will stay the night.

They pass a few levels until they get stuck on a level and can't move on. Evan sets down his controller, preparing himself to say something.

He clears his throat, Jared bracing himself and pulling out a gummy worm that was stuck in his mouth.

" _Jared...we need to talk..._ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two updates in two days? :0 wowow who am I


	10. Chapter 10

"Jared...I" Evan slumps down, a mournful expression taking up his face, "I don't know where to begin..." He offers a watery smile, eyes filling with tears. "First off," he chokes off a sob, "I'm sorry?" Evan goes to say more, but Jared raises his hand in a stop motion.

"Evan calm down, what do you want to say exactly? Take your time." Jared prompts, albeit feeling sweat trickle down his neck and his own hands go clammy.

Evan takes a few deep breathes, he looks over his shoulder to check the door and that it is locked, then looks at Jared with unsure eyes.

"Erm well... I never fell.”

That's it. Silence. Evan could hear the cogs turning in Jareds mind, he had no idea what Evan was talking about. Evan focused on a spot on the floor where a small stain was, but how it occurred would forever be a mystery. Evan could feel other little darker spots appearing on the floor of the room and it took him a while to realise that the stains weren't made from a cigarette butt or a drop of alcohol or something else, it was Evans tears. Evans hands gripped around his wrists again, creating a thick cloud of numb pain.

Jared’s voice pierced the cloud that was choking the space.

“I'm sorry I don't follow Evan. You're not making a lick of sense? When are we referring to? Six months ago? Did a bloody animal maul your body and you had to fight it off or something? I’m lost.” Jared gave Evan a puzzled look, clearly confused about what Evan were talking about.

Evans nails dug into the skin of his arm, not scratching as Jared would notice, just digging and splitting the skin.

“No Jared...Six months ago I was at the park, climbed a tree, but I didn't fall?” Evan turned up his head from where he was looking on the floor, tears still flowing and making his vision a blurry mess. He looked over to Jared who was resting against his bed, so close that Evan could just reach out and touch him.

“You’re still being vague as hell, Evan. You've just been acting really strange lately. I wanna know what's been happening. You offer your freaking computer, you text me at weird ass times but when I do once in a blue moon, you don't respond, you want to ask the floor to a lunch date, Evan "never missed a day" Hansen forgets to attend school?!? It's almost as if you died or- ” Jared stopped. A gear falling into place, and darkness being lit. His eyes widened and he paled, feeling blood drain from his face. He shook his head as if he didn't want to believe what he was thinking and being told.

“Evan...you don’t mean...” Jared could feel that there were tears filling up his eyes, about to slip from his eyes and cracking his usual apathetic mask. He searched Evan’s eyes. Searching for an answer different from what he was thinking. It couldn’t be. There’s no way. When Evan didn't object and tell Jared that he was joking, he's always joking it's not the truth.

Seeing tears fall from Jareds eyes broke Evan even further. “I let go.” Evan sobbed.   
Jared stared at the floor, his hands pressed together, lips pursed. He was lost. "Jared Jared Jared-" Evan cried, reaching forward.

“I’m so sorry.” Jared said, grabbing one of the hands that Evan wanted to hug him with. Jared looked into Evans eyes, trying to find more to say, but he couldn't. What should he say? What has he said? Calling Evan an acorn after he's tried to- don't say it. It isn't real until you admit it Jared. He would never, Evan would never do that.

“Jared....I'm sorry...it's not the first time either. A few days ago Connor found me passed out in a park from overdose...I'm so sorry okay? Things can be normal again though, I swear. ” Evan was still crying quietly to himself, trying to reassure Jared and trying to think "happy thoughts".

“But Evan? Will it? I just...twice? It's just...why? Can we...can I know why?” Jareds mind was a milky white. When he search for the things to say, and the things he wanted to know, he turned up empty handed.

“I- no. Jared, I'm just gonna home tonight, sorry I won't stay over. ” Evan started to sit up. It was only a matter of time until Jared hated him, Evan thought, only a matter of time till you try again yeah?

“Evan... ” Jared started, tone solemn and filled with guilt, "Stay please..."

Before Evan could reach for the door handle and leave, the sound of footsteps nearing Jareds room were heard.

Evan turned to go, but Jared couldn't let him, shouldn't let him. Jared needed to be Evans proper friend right now, not a speechless mess. He grabbed Evans hand, grasping it tightly, shock filling Evans eyes.

"Jared dear?" The voice of Jareds mum broke the tension that filled Jareds room.

"Ah yes mum?" Jared called back, without breaking eye contact with Evan. "Just remember to get some sleep okay? I'm heading to sleep and I don't want you staying up as late as yesterday, okay?"

"Okay thanks mum!"

Without another word, the boys were left in silence once the footsteps retreated. Jared held Evans hand for a bit until coming to his senses. Immediately he let go of Evans hand, "Look I just... I want to not yknow..." Jared waved his hand in the air, unable to find the right words.

"Be a dick?" Evan suggested with a small watery smile, Jared smiled back, laughing a bit. "Yeah that."

Evan nodded, then sat back down. "Remember at the start of the year? I was working as an apprentice at the Ellison State Park? I thought everyone went home and I felt so lonely so I decided that it...it was time."

Jared cursed under his breath slightly, "Shit...and you lay there for a while before someone came right?"

"A little bit longer than that actually." Evan said, trying to make a joke.

"I'm...I'm sorry you felt that you couldn't call me. I'm a shit friend okay? I'm a shit person! And I just-" Jared stopped, tears clogging up his throat.

Evans eyes widened, "Its fine Jared okay? We can become closer okay? We don't have to be family friends anymore?" Jared looked up, shock in his eyes.

"Oh my god...." Jared stared numbly at the floor again, this time, deeply zoning out.

"What is it Jared?" Evan frantically asked, but he didn't receive an answer. "Jared!"

"...you thought we were family friends? This...this whole time? I was only joking Evan...You- you're my only friend. My best friend and...Twice? I was that horrid?" he broke off, crying into his hands.

Evan wrapped his arms around Jared, guilt filling him, "No we...we are Jared. We're friends okay? And twice so what? It's...it's just a failed number. I'm not a statistic Jared. We will push through this together, like friends should okay?"

Jared nodded, letting the sadness disappear and the mask falling back into place in mere minutes.

Jared wiped his eyes, "Mum will scold me if we don't sleep now eh? Do you still want to...be around me?"

Evan blanched, "Honestly the things that get into your head sometimes, of course I do you idiot. Let's sleep now."

Jared smiled, and allowed room for Evan to sleep on in his double sized bed. It was quiet, finally time to sleep before a joking and shocked tone pierced Evans calling slumber.

"Wait....Connor fucking Murphy??"

"For God sake....Go to sleep Jared." Evans said with a laugh in his voice, as he pulled the covers up higher and turned around to face the opposite side, away from Jared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unfortunately the next update won’t be for a while as I won’t even be thinking of writing until the 3rd, so I wish all of you a merry Christmas! Happy holidays y’all and I will see you in the new year


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *looks at calendar*  
> okay so oops I had this written eons back but I forgot to post it so uhm don't kill me pls
> 
> also, I moved the authors note to the notes at the end bc I don't want chapter 11 to be listed to Chapter 12

"Connor!" A cry out from downstairs rouses Connor from his deep and thick sleep.

"Connor breakfast!" His mother cries out again. Connor cries back a guttural and abstract sound to signify that he's acknowledged the call for him and that he won't have to hear it again.

_He acknowledged the call for him, but no way was he going to act on it._

_Screw this, screw all of this._

Connor just knew it was one of those days.

The days where you can't do anything and you let a phantom presence stab at your heart.

Connor stared at his ceiling with the patch of different coloured paint on it; it was a different colour because the ceiling had caved in when he decided it'd be a smart move to try and kill himself at home. Connor growled at the unfairness, to a normal person he probably seemed like a nutjob; growling at himself in a room.

He was a nutjob regardless.

"Connor!"

_Come on._

Without calling back to his parents, Connor walked to the bathroom. He turned on the shower at the highest water intensity possible and didn't make it warm water either. He undressed, and just stood under the shower head, thinking. Time blurred and Connor was staring a tile on the bottom of the shower, water cascading down his thin frame and matting his hair. Sounds were muffled over the sound of the running water, and Connor was glad. He didn't want to hear his parents yapping on so early in the morning, but seeing them would be nevertheless inevitable.

Blinking back into existence, Connor sighed and shut off the water. Immediately, cold nipped at Connor and he reached for the towel to wrap around him, like a shock blanket. Having the feeling of a warm towel surround him, it just irked Connor in a negative and sad way. Connor gripped the towel tighter, and fat tears spilled from his eyes. The tears tipped over his eyes and ran down his cheeks, Connor wiped at them furiously; feeling weak and alone.

"Connor _goddammit_! Come down for breakfast!"

That was his father.

Connor swore under his breath, allowing an angry feeling overwhelm the sad feeling. He dressed and went downstairs, not checking his reflection.

_Screw what they think._

The moment, however, he walked into the kitchen, "Connor for Pete's sake! You smoking up there weren't you?" Larry ordered, not asked.

_The crying. His eyes looked red._

Connor ground his teeth together, "No _Larry_ , I don't _just_  smoke. I have actual human interests, but you wouldn't know about that as you're too caught up in your own world."

Larry's back posture stiffened and his jaw tensed. "Young man, you will show some respect. If you did not go off the rails, then we wouldn't have had this dilemma in the first place."

"Who was it who let me go off the rails, Larry? Who was it?"

Before Connor could just _scream_  at Larry, _it was never my fault, I tried to be perfect for you!_  His mother came into the kitchen to diffuse the situation. She came in with her saint-like posture and began lecturing both men on their behavior, all of it dulling into mindless babble for Connor. He muttered a "yeah whatever" once his mothers' sentence seemed to finish and she didn't pick it back up again, pushing past his parents.

He walked past Zoe who had her head in her phone, but she looked up and made a snarky remark that Connors ears blocked out. Connor made sure to slam the front door. He pulled his body into his _fancy_  car and started up the _fancy_ engine and drove away from his _fancy_ house to go to his _crap_ school. 

 _What a joke_.

Connor pulled into the car park and parked his vehicle not even twenty minutes later, and walked toward the concrete slab, faces and words all a swampy mess, but once come face saw him, it gasped and walked away avoiding eye contact. A few more did so as he trudged among them.

_So what he didn't take notes for English or science and sat in the back just scribbling hellish images in his book instead?_

It was at recess when he was seated at the back of a library, still scribbling, that he finally tuned into the world around him. 

_Jared fucking Kleinman._

"School Shooter! How ya doing bud~" Jared said in a sly and sultry tone, sliding down in front of Connor.

Immediately Connors mood was angry, "What do you want Jared...Shot up earlier than everyone else?"

Jared shrugged nonchalantly, "Hey death is imminent whatever, I just wanted to know if you were gonna go to that party tonight?"

"Jared I'm not sure if you've noticed, but I'm not the type of person to go to parties."

Jared blinked obnoxiously, "No yes I know that, but hey we'll be blazing and..." Jared paused, "your boyfriend will be there~"

Connor blanched, standing up from his seat abruptly, "Jared fuck off with your gay shit fantasies, Evan and I are _just acquaintances._  "

Jared stared at Connor over the frame of his glasses, "Dude. You have the hots for Evan, and Evan has the hots for you, shut the hell up, go to the party, get intoxicated, and invite me over for a threesome once you resolve the tension between you two okay?"

A dark and unusual blush spread over Connors cheeks, which Connor convinced himself was because of anger, "Fuck off Kleinman." With that statement, Connor slung his bag over his shoulder and stormed out of the library with a flush on his face.

Jared sat back in his chair when Connor left the library and smiled smugly to himself. He picked up his own things and moved out of the library, bee-lining to the bathrooms where Evan was most probable to be. Jared smiled triumphantly to himself when at the end of the bathroom closet to the senior campus, was a locked stall. Jared swaggered up to the stall and knocked on it, "Evan, bud you in there?"

A very flustered and strained response called back, "I-Uh yep! Just uh give me a sec..." A minute after shuffling, the stall door clicked and opened to reveal Evan in all of his blue polo-ness.

Jared smiled, "My man, my dude, we have a party to go to tonight. We are exclusively invited, people want us there...There will be hot girls...alcohol...food...and best of all...Connor Murphy! Whaddya say?"

Evan blinked incredulously, "C-Connor? Why would he go to a party..? And why are you telling me this like it's important!" Evans cheeks lit up, matching Connors a few mere minutes ago.

Jared slung an arm around Evan, "He wants to bang you Evan." Jared stated, simply and shamelessly, "Oh and people want you there we can't disappoint them!" Jared added, pulling slightly at Evans anxieties which made Jared feel bad. He pushed the feeling away, _this is for his sake. He will be happier with Connor._

Evans eyes darted around the bathroom, specifically making sure to avoid Jareds own gaze, "There's nothing with me and Connor we're just acquaintances or something...but I'll go to the party regardless..."

The school day meant nothing more for Evan and Connor, whose sights were set on the party that would happen later that evening. Connor would just slip out after dinner, and no one would notice or care, which he's used to by now, but Evan, he approached his mum, via text message, and meekly asked for permission to go socialise at a party. Of course, his mother sent happy cat memes back and a full caps message that read, "Evan my honey, knock them dead! Have fun at this party and be safe too, no drinking!"

So it was reasonable that Evan was standing in the corner, with a plastic cup in his hand, and music blaring in the background. He may have been drunk, _just a bit_. It was only so he could dull the thumping and people as much as possible. Next to him, a skinny boy gripped the sleeve of a hoodie of another and whispered something Evan couldn't hear, even if there was no music. The boy with the hoodie pulled the other for a slow kiss, Evan instantly heated up and shuffled uncomfortably, the two boys didn't notice or care, and when the pulled apart, the hooded boy started whispering into the others ears and rubbing circles on that skinny boys back.

Evan was jealous.

Jared was off, "smoking and going to look after his small buddy", as he said to Evan.

There was a story of the house he was in previously burning down a few months before. Suddenly the music in the house went from the famous radio music to straight out bass thumping, shaking the house and the poor bonsai of which was Evan.

Evan pushed himself through people in the house, clutching his plastic cup like a shitty lifeline among all the overwhelming music and movement. Successfully, he grabbed a door handle and managed to squeeze out of the quaking house without disturbing people. Out in the chilly air, and not in the sweaty cage like rooms, Evan inhaled deeply, regretting his choices to go to this party, but allowing himself to see the positives of what could be still.

"Evan?" A gravely yet familiar voice called out. Turning, Evan could make out Connors figure, holding his cup like Evan, in the pale moonlight.

Instantly, a warm feeling spread through Evan. Happiness. Gratitude. And the alcohol of course.

_Happy, Connor is here!_

_Gratitude, Jared wasn't lying!_

Connor strode toward him, already a musky smell clinging to him, and another sharp smell. Weed and alcohol.

"Oh! Hey Connor...I thought maybe you'd gone home for the night?"

Connor was close enough now, Evan could see a small smile on Connors lips, "Me? Leave? It's only 11 pm! I'm here till the end!"

"That's...dedicated... Anyway, sit down with me, we can talk about things...we uh..need to talk about things..." Evan sat down on a patch of dried grass, Connor taking a seat next to him. It was them and the dull thudding coming from the house.

"Look, about the thing..the whole suicide stuff...I just want you to know that, even though we aren't friends, I want to be there for you I guess."

Connor looked hesitantly toward Evan, who had a warm smile on his face, "Well then, nice to meet you, I'm Evan Hansen, and I hope we can be great friends."

Evan held out his hand, allowing this to be their new start at being something and making sure it was something better than anything from before. Connor looked down at the hand, then linked it with his own and gave it a shake.

Connors body, at the contact, ran full of electricity and gave Connor a hot blur across his mind. It was the alcohol he wants to believe, but he knows that _they_ won't care. Connor, without thinking, tugged Evans hand toward him and moved forward.

A few milliseconds later, Connor and Evans lips are drunkenly locked, fireworks feel like they're going off and he can feel that _for just a second_ , Evan and he are moving into the kiss, and they can hear that all is silent.

There's no music, as if God just had magically commanded an earthquake to cease midway, which makes sense when they hear a few gasps and snickers and then finally a camera shutter sound.

People don't care that they're both drunk and did something without thinking properly, _they_ don't care.

Connor instantly pulls away, denying any claims that his mind raises when it tells Connor that the kiss felt _good_ and felt _safe_.

He turns his head to look directly into the bright lights of the cameras flash.

Then he gets up and runs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so a few people were a bit confused about the whole, “did he break his arm or overdose wtf man” so I am here to tell you that the answer is both! I thought it maybe confused a bit of people so I’ll summarise it here:
> 
> If y’all wanna go and check, in the hospital chapter Evan said that he had failed suicide twice because 1. Being the jump and 2. Being an overdose. The jump happened at the beginning of the school year, 6 months later is the point in time where we are now. Connor did not commit suicide, but he did read Evans letter and he did attempt as well, which I’ll surface later on idk. Then about the “Joke isn’t funny anymore” fan fiction. Mine is heavily influenced through that work, and that mayve angered some people so I’ve gone and changed it a bit, if youd still like it changed just leave negative comments and I’ll go change it back idk or something. So basically I’m working things up to follow along with the musical, except it’s kinda out of order but IDGAF ILL DO IT AND ITLL BE ANGSTY AF BUT MAYBE HAPPY END IDFK TELL ME IF U WANT HAPPY OR NO SO THAT I HAVE A HEADS UP

**Author's Note:**

> If this gets a good response, I may make it multi chapters


End file.
